Social Cues

Just like our kids, moms need to be able to recognize and honor social cues.

In my experience when parents, or more specifically mom’s, meet in a new school or social situation there is a high level of posturing and judgement that occurs.  This happens whether you like it or not, so just accept it, don’t take it seriously.   It’s a joke, a game, a silly little one act play that can quickly turn into a full scale opera complete with misunderstandings, gossiping, finger pointing and whodunnits if you’re not careful.  

Over the years I have experienced several different types of moms or what I like to call “mom archetypes”.  Categorizing them is not only fun, but has helped me deal efficiently and effectively with all kinds of nonsense.  I always love to uncover a new hybrid, it keeps life interesting.

My strategy is to walk in to any social situation and piss on everything to establish my alpha status among the herd.    I do this by making the rounds in an attempt to meet everyone, so I can decide (1) who I want to avoid pretty much forever, (2) who I might like to be friends with, and (3) who I need to form an alliance purely for convenience.  Once you are on my who to avoid list or what I like to call my “social prison,” it’s difficult to get a pardon, but it does occur on occasion.  

After all, Battlemom has to be open-minded and make allowances for those who are introverts or just don’t know how to behave on the mom circuit.  FYI, the moms who appear to be bitchy or bored, are probably really introverts and super shy, therefore safe territory.   

It’s the overly curious, chatty moms you have to look out for.  As a self-proclaimed non-joiner I tend to drift toward the other loners, the quiet ones who don’t talk a lot or give up information easily because they are usually genuine articles.

I can’t list the number of times that I have had to endure the awkward moment when I realize that someone is just not getting my polite social cue to move on.  The only real way to make it stop is to just avoid them like the plague.  This is annoying because you have to put effort into this tactic.  If you actually do the right thing and tell them you don’t want to hang out for whatever reason; feelings get hurt and you will always be the bad guy because they are so fucking needy and out of touch with reality. 

 Are they really that stupid?   Yes, I promise you, this archetype is really that stupid.  I once was having a really bad day and it was glaringly obvious by the strained look on my face.  I arrived to pick up my kid at his weekly activity and was confronted by two moms.  One immediately saw the look on my face, asked if there was anything she could do and then drifted into the background when I just grimaced.  The other who was always completely self-absorbed and needy barreled into my personal space with her kid and wanted me to hear all about the kid and how I should be so proud of him for doing something I could care less about.  Not wanting to be dismissive of the child, I gave him a high five with a “Good job!” then turned my back on them both and bolted with my kid out the door.  Don’t be that needy mom, it’s just exhausting for me and embarrassing for you. 

Another archetype is the stalker mom.  She is the one who thinks you are best friends and constantly wants to do stuff with you but you never seem to be available.  The mom who brings her kids to your door to play at homework/dinner time with no advance notice.  The mom you hide from in the grocery store parking lot.  The mom you quite obviously ignore as she tries to get your attention in the waiting room.  The mom who crazily honks the horn while hanging out the window waving at you.  That mom.

The most hateful is the bully mom.  This is the mom who does things to undermine the teacher in school.  The mom who gets people excited over nothing.  The mom who spreads lies and gossips.  The mom who threatens to take her kids (and her money) out of school if they don’t play by her rules.  No one likes her, but many cower to her because she is so vocal about her misguided, factually inaccurate opinion.  Sort of like the Donald Trump of the mom world.  Bleh.

My personal favorite is the one upper mom.  The mom whose kid is smarter, funnier, stronger, faster, you name it, just plain better than your kid.  The mom whose kid is an asshole and somehow creates an alternate reality where it was actually your kids’ fault that he was hurt by her kid.  Newsflash bitch, no one likes you or your kid as much as you do, so get the fuck away from me.

Not all archetypes are bad, so let’s throw in the do-gooder mom.   The suck up, the little miss sunshine of the school.  She’s annoying, but totally harmless.

By this point you may be wondering which archetype is battlemom?  If I had to choose, I would say that I am a combination of the non-joiner and another mom type which you don’t see very often:  The advocate.  This mom, calls bullshit on the bully mom, supports the other moms and tries to protect the kids from being innocent victims.

Now I want to point out that we are all guilty of falling into the social trap and behaving like one of the despised archetypes for a brief period of time.  The difference is this personality doesn’t define us and we recognize how important it is to maneuver away from the behavior as soon as we can after realizing the mistake.   I have done it myself, usually in an effort to relate to the other person; however, I will try to redirect the conversation back to the original topic as soon as possible, acknowledging and sometimes apologizing for being inconsiderate.

So moms, please try to pay attention to the social cues that other parents are putting out, be aware of your own behavior and don’t take it personally when someone doesn’t want to be your BFF or even your F.    This isn’t the grade school playground where our kids are required to be nice to everyone purely for the sake of learning how to be good caring little citizens.  I don’t have to be nice to you and quite frankly I don’t have time for your emotional bullshit if your feelings are hurt because I don’t want to hang out with you.  It’s not me, it’s you.  Just move on and you’ll probably find someone with whom you are compatible.